Does winning an Academy Award really mean anything?

This evening will mark the 83rd year that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has presented its coveted annual award, the Oscar. Standing 13.5 inches, weighing 8.5lb, this golden swordsman knights each victor in a swirling glow of glory and gushing emotional homilies. Oh yes, there’ll be tears, there’ll be smiles, there’ll be jokes, and Pixar will win. But, at the end of the day, this whole thing leaves me feeling particularly unenthused, an excuse for creating a ceremony for cronies to congratulate each other with self-interested back slapping and affiliated admiration. Call me Oscar the Grouch, but this whole thing’s beginning to look like rubbish.

The first problem I have with Oscar’s orgy of the self-indulgent is that it’s not about recognising this year’s finest and greatest of cinematic events, rather an excuse to sell. No more is this evident in the resulting trailers that will follow tonight’s ceremony, where Christian Bale and Colin Firth will undergo a bizarre deed poll baptism. Suddenly splashed with Holly Water, these gents will become Academy Award® Winner Christian Bale, Academy Award® Winner Colin Firth, their change in sobriquet a not-so-subtle stamp of quality assurance. Go see this film that they’re in, ‘cos they won an Oscar, which clearly gives these 90 mins of formulaic plotting they’re using to build their swimming pool some serious acting chops. You know that Academy Award® Winner Matt Damon, he didn’t even win one for acting, but for his script writing prowess back in 1998. Undoubtedly one of the finest actors of his generation, able to flit across genres with a genuinely likable charm, when his name pops up in movie trailers with his AA®W prefix, it’s like going to see a Doctor when you’re having a heart attack, and being presented with a PhD in Comparative Lit.

The second problem I have is when Oscar gets embarrassed by the previous winners, the ones that fall by the wayside, or worse, that won for comedy. Comedy is a dirty word for the Academy, which thinks being funny should only be reserved for podium based posturing. An example of this comes from Best Supporting Actress Winner Marisa Tomei. Back in 1993, Tomei was the surprise victor in a category dominated by dramatic turns. So shocking was her triumph that the Hollywood rumour mill continues to churn out the suggestion that she only took home the statuette after Jack Palance drunkenly read out her name by accident. Not much is made of Tomei’s two subsequent nominations for her acting, nor the fact that her turn in My Cousin Vinny is a vibrant example of supporting work in a comedic film. Surely if she didn't deserve to win, she shouldn't have been nominated? Further problems arise when winners’ careers fail to reach the critical heights that won them their award; Cuba Gooding Jr., Jamie Foxx, Mira Sorvino, Mercedes Ruehl, F. Murray Abraham, Halle Berry, Brenda Fricker, the list goes on, with the popular consensus failing to understand that the Academy Award is an annual prize and not a recognition of lifetime achievement.

Race and the nature of the performance are often the real key to winning an award - though it was somewhat ironic that the Academy chose to present Sandra Bullock’s acceptable work as a dull and contrived white lady coming to the aid of a downtrodden world weary black boy when Gabourey Sidibe heartbreaking performance in Precious involved a downtrodden world weary black girl saving herself.

There are so many problems with the Academy Awards that it’s just easier for me to break it down briefly:

1: There is a category for Best Foreign Language Film, which this year included 65 submissions from each eligible country (each country allowed to enter one film), which were shortlisted down to 5. The idea that something in a foreign language cannot compete for Best Picture is a slap in the face to world cinema from the dominant force of cinema as globalisation.

2: The same logic applies to the category of Best Animated Feature, which means Pixar, arguably the greatest studio currently produced an annual masterpiece, will have to really do something astounding to win the big one.

3: The rules regarding what constitutes a supporting performance are incredibly vague, allowing Dame Judi Dench to win for appearing in 8 minutes of a film and Beatrice Straight for 6. On the other hand, Nicole Kidman was nominated and won the Best Actress nod for The Hours, despite having the least screen time of the film’s three female leads.

4: In 2010, each nominee walked away with a goody bag worth $91,000, despite the fact that 16.7 million US children live below the poverty line.

5: Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Sergio Leone, Robert Altman and Terrence Malick never won one. Citizen Kane, Psycho, The Shawshank Redemption, Vertigo, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Star Wars, Apocalypse Now, Fargo, Philadelphia, Goodfellas, E.T., Dog Day Afternoon, Bonnie and Clyde, Some Like It Hot, The Wizard of Oz didn’t win Best Picture. Titanic won 11 awards.

Yet, this show will be one of the most watched television broadcasts this year, and will influence cinema trends for the next five.

And to be honest with you, I think these folks best summed up the value of an Academy Award: