Falling in line with the Spring/Summer collection of seemingly unstoppable marketing of leftover emo clothing to teenage girls in the Twilight trend, Beastly, based on the teen novel by Alex Finn, is a mercifully short reimagining of the classic French fairytale La belle et la bête, best known to English-speaking audiences as Beauty and the Beast. Fewer Angela Lansbury voiced teapots, more heroin chic stylings, this version casts number four on the list of Hollywood heartthrobs Alex Pettyfer as all-round douchebag Kyle, the pretty-boy with a heart of mould. His mean-spirited and self-promoting behaviour catches the eye of classmate and witch Kendra (Mary-Kate Olsen), who quickly curses Special K, taking his screen idol looks and giving him a year to find someone to love him, or else he’ll stay this way forever. Beastly aims to attract all manner of high schoolers with the addition of Vanessa Hudgens, as the beauty in the bunch, the daughter of a junkie named Lindy, with a heart of gold and IQ to match.
The film itself, by director Daniel Barnz, is dull and tedious, even at a mere 86-minute runtime, and numerous problems and issues present themselves throughout. First and foremost is Kyle’s unflappable following in the high school he attends in Manhattan. He’s literally the most obnoxious character you’re likely to see on screen this year, winning over his adoring fans by making quasi-fascist claims to cleanse the school of ugos and fuglies, all in the name of environmentalism. Pettyfer, carving a nascent career out of taking his shirt off, has neither the charisma nor even the presence to pull this off. Furthermore, we’re supposed to be agog when they reveal his hideous transformation into hideous beast. In the book, it’s classic fangs and fur, but here they opt for some sort of edgy boyish Blofeld, with a few piercings and tattoos to give him that yob sheen. And to be honest, he still looks like he could be a poster boy, granted for Marilyn Manson’s new fragrance.
A couple of breaths of fresh air come from courtesy of Jamaican housemaid Zola, in full on Calpurnia mode, and from Neil Patrick Harris’ Will, a blind tutor with a pretty decent sideline in sarcasm. But ultimately the characters are weak and fall distinctly flat, particularly Hudgen’s Lindy, as it transpires that despite her impoverished upbringing, her dutiful volunteering at a needle exchange, her love of Frank O’Hara’s poetry, her frugal saving to get to Machu Pichu, she’s actually been in love with wanker Kyle anyway! Even when he was the shitty and vain version, before he shaved his hair and thereby learned humility. Of course, things don’t run so smoothly in the film, as Kyle first has to stalk her (literally) and then conveniently bully her father into forcing her to move in with him, after a bizarre subplot involving dealers, murder and witness protection. Will it be Stockholm Syndrome at first sight or will Kyle be left with that certain va va… Voldamort?
Beastly succeeds as all fairytales should, by putting you to sleep.
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